When Christmas Isn’t the 'Most Wonderful Time of the Year'

Christmas is just around the corner, as the shops and media are keen to keep reminding us. But for many people, Christmas is not a Christmas-card perfect time of festive cheer, family and food. There are lots of reasons why the Christmas period can be exceptionally difficult; financial worries, family dynamics, the absence of loved ones or simply the pressure to ‘have a good time’. It can also feel extremely lonely to think that you are the only one feeling like this.

Navigating Family Dynamics and Expectations

Christmas is loaded with expectation; from the films that depict happy families and romance, to the traditions that are handed down from generation to generation - there’s often a high bar set for one single day of the year. I hear time and again about the deliberations over where to spend Christmas, who to see when and frequently the conflict between this and what the person would really WANT to do. In large extended families the result can be a Christmas filled with travelling from house to house, leaving everyone involved feeling exhausted. At the same time, others may not feel like they have anyone to spend the festive period with, and Christmas can be lonely and isolating. 

Grief and Loss at a Time of Celebration

Christmas can also be a time when losses and grief feel more poignant and closer to the surface. Many people will be facing their first Christmas without a loved one, which can often be particularly difficult, especially when surrounded by the decorations and festive spirit of those around them. It can be hard to know how to ‘be’ at these times; you don’t want to be spoil other people’s excitement but at the same time, when your heart is full of pain it feels impossible to join in. Families experiencing conflict, divorce or financial hardship, can also struggle to manage the complicated logistics of Christmas, leading to a time of great stress, guilt and sadness.  

Why Christmas Feels So Overwhelming

What I have learnt from my own experience and from working with clients over the years, is that despite what the media would like us to think, most people experience some kind of struggle through the Christmas period. And it is not surprising. There is no other day of the year that is romanticised and built up to for months on end. The children are hyped up from October, the shops want you to start stocking up as soon as Halloween is out of the way, and everywhere you turn from late November there is a Christmas tree, a Christmas song or a mince pie. So maybe we could all just turn down the lights a little on Christmas. Take the spotlight away from the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’, and take a moment to consider what would bring us a moment of peace and joy?

Re-imagining Christmas in a Way That Works for You

Maybe that peace and joy is from a walk on your own on a cold, frosty Christmas morning with a coffee in hand. Maybe it’s fish and chips for Christmas lunch. Maybe it’s a noisy catch up with all your old friends you haven’t seen in ages, but it could also be a quiet glass of wine in front of your favourite box set. I guess it’s about trying to re-imagine Christmas a little, into the shape that suits you. And it may not be easy to do; it might be that whilst you’d secretly love to fly off for some winter sun on Christmas Day, you know it means a lot to your mum to spend it with her, and so that is the choice you will make. But seeing it as a choice, and accepting your mixed feelings about it, could be enough to change your experience of it. 

Finding Your Own Version of the Day

To those of you that I know have carved out a Christmas that is perfect for you; I salute you. Whether it’s a ‘roast turkey, family games and enough chocolate to sink a ship’ kind of Christmas, or a ‘Chinese takeaway in front of a Bond movie’ kind of Christmas, then enjoy it. And to those of you who don’t want to, or can’t embrace, the traditional expectations, then know that you are not alone. 

Christmas is just another day after all, and there is no reason why it should be anything at all, if you don’t want or need it to be. 

You’re Not Alone if You Struggle, Where to Turn for Support

If Christmas is a time when your mental health really suffers then please don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Information about where to get help can be found here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/getting-help-in-a-crisis/.