When self-care feels selfish…

Self-care is the buzzword that we hear all the time nowadays; it’s on social media, it’s on the news, it’s even in our workplaces. But what does self-care mean? We live in a culture where focusing on ourselves is often synonymous with selfishness; the implication being that if we are looking after ourselves then we are not looking after someone else. These things are not mutually exclusive; in fact, it is essential that we look after ourselves so that we can take care of others. I have a mug that reads ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’, but how many times do I, like many others, find myself trying to do it all before I have ensured that my cup is full enough to give from. 

Engaging in self-care

At certain stages in our lives, the idea that we should engage in self-care feels so unachievable that the idea of it makes us angry and resentful; it becomes just another thing to add to the very long to-do list. When we are caring for young children, working and often looking after other family members, seeing where there might be anytime at all for ourselves is almost impossible. Especially when we see examples of self-care on social media that involve elaborate and extensive skincare routines, expensive trips to luxury spas or waking up at 5am to workout before the children wake up. These are not realistic or desirable for many people. 

Re-framing habits

So how can we re-frame self-care so that it becomes a habit rather than a burden, an essential rather than a luxury? Maybe by starting small. There are many aspects of our day that we rush through without thinking, or that we engage in whilst plugged into a screen at the same time. A cup or tea or coffee, that you actually sit down with, on your own, for 5 minutes, with no screen, no other task. You sit, you drink, you breathe, and you focus simply on the hot drink, on the quiet, on your breath. It’s only 5 minutes and the chaos may start again as soon as you have finished, but it was yours. 

Mindful choices

There are choices we can make to protect ourselves; don’t answer that work email right now, its 6.30pm and no catastrophe will happen if you leave it until the morning. Is it essential that you use the last 10 minutes of your child’s nap time to clean the entire kitchen, or could you use it to phone your friend who you haven’t seen in 2 months for a quick chat? And I know, it’s easier said than done. Will I gulp my tea down tomorrow morning whilst I answer an email, and dry my hair? Probably. But maybe I’ll think before I do it, and that pause might help me make a different choice. 

Prioritising yourself

When I talk to clients who are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad or alone, they are often not engaging in many self-care activities. But going to therapy, once a week for 50 minutes, is a huge act of self-care. What a valuable gift you give to yourself when you say, ‘I am struggling. I need help. I’m going to prioritise this need and spend 50 minutes of my week exploring myself, my experiences, my needs, my worries.’

It’s not self-indulgent and it’s not weak. It’s a way to fill your cup, so that you can head back out into your life and feel more equipped for whatever is coming your way. 

If you want to start your journey to better self-care, reach out to book an appointment here.